i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
last night I used snow as a chaser
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
