As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
