Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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