it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize