Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
