from now on my penis is your penis
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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