i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am midnight drunk by noon
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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