I murdered the dance floor call the cops
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
