11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
