Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
