My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
