Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
