i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
