The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
