He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
