Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize