When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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