I hope mine doesn't look like that
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
