speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
