Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
