peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize