The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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