Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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