I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
