she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
They should really pass out barf bags in church
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
