I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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