I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
