i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
