I think my fart just growled at me.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
