You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
