She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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