My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
