The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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