So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
