i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
