I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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