i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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