whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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