Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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