If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
