what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
