If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize