i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
