My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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