According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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