Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
