i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
