Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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