My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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