I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
