i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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