I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
