So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
