Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
