He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
