Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
